Mic Drop Moments: 100 Best Comedian Puns That Will Slay

Humor is a universal language that transcends boundaries, and what better way to celebrate it than with a collection of the best comedian puns? Whether you’re a seasoned pun enthusiast or just someone who loves a good, clever joke, this list of punny jewels will keep you entertained. Fun fact: The word “pun” originates from the Latin word “pundus,” meaning “a play on words.”

No matter what you call them, these pun-tastic gems are sure to elevate your comedic arsenal. So, sit back, relax, and prepare to enjoy some of the cleverest puns by comedians.

Observational Hilarity: Jokes About Everyday Life

1. Eddie Murphy: “My momma used to say, ‘The ultimate power is the power to get people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it.’ And that’s what I do. I’m a pimp.”
2. Dave Chappelle: “I’m not saying I hate cops, but I’ve never seen a cop walking and thought, ‘Oh good, there’s someone I can go to for help.'”
3. Bill Burr: “I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
4. Robin Williams: “Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it ‘all the money,’ but they changed it to ‘alimony.'”
5. Amy Schumer: “I’m very good at sex. I practice a lot…on my own.”
6. Margaret Cho: “I am not the type of person who would be caught dead with a neti pot. I’m the type of person who would be caught dead in a pile of makeup.”
7. Russell Peters: “My dad’s Indian; my mom’s Jamaican. That’s why I love spicy food… and reggae.”
8. Ellen DeGeneres: “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
9. Drew Carey: “Ohio is the only state that doesn’t look good on a sweater.”
10. Gabriel Iglesias: “I’m not fat… I’m fluffy.”
11. Ronny Chieng: “I’m not saying I’m lazy, but I’m currently on a diet where I only eat food that’s already been chewed.”
12. Ali Wong: “You know you’re old when you go to a concert and the band is younger than your wrinkles.”
13. Hasan Minhaj: “I’m Indian. So, when I go to weddings, it’s not just a ceremony, it’s a marathon.”
14. Jo Koy: “I’m Filipino, so if you ever want to hide something from me, just put it in a container. I’ll never find it.”
15. Jimmy Carr: “I used to date a zookeeper, but it ended badly. She monkey-branched.”
16. Kevin Hart: “I’m short, but I’m confident. I’m like a penny – small, but still worth something.”
17. Jerry Seinfeld: “Why do they call it a ‘building’? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a ‘built’?
18. Chris Rock: “I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.”
19. Sarah Silverman: “I was at a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
20. Ricky Gervais: “Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.” trips
21. George Carlin: “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
22. John Mulaney: “Adult life is deciding what to eat for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
23. Aziz Ansari: “My dad is a gynecologist, which is awkward because sometimes he tries to tell me jokes about vaginas.”
24. Tina Fey: “I want to apologize to everyone I haven’t offended yet. Please be patient. I’ll get to you shortly.”
25. Steve Martin: “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
26. Mitch Hedberg: “I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.”
27. Conan O’Brien: “If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.”
28. Trevor Noah: “My mom said she learned to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'”
29. Bo Burnham: “Should we be worried about artificial intelligence? Absolutely. But it’s not going to kill us. It’s going to get us to kill each other.”
30. Jim Gaffigan: “There’s nothing wrong with being lazy. I mean, look at me, I’m making a living at it.”
31. Seth Meyers: “My wife and I got a dog. It’s great for our relationship because it gives us someone to blame things on.”
32. Margaret Cho: “I am not the type of person who would be caught dead with a neti pot. I’m the type of person who would be caught dead in a pile of makeup.”
33. Patton Oswalt: “My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said, ‘Alright, fatty.'”
34. Larry David: “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man, there’s your diamond in the rough.”
35. Stephen Colbert: “If you can only be good at one thing, be good at lying… because if you’re good at lying, you’re good at everything.”
36. Donald Glover: “I got so much swag, it’s disgusting. I don’t even know how to handle it sometimes.”
37. Eddie Murphy: “I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I did used to be a black Viking.”
38. Dave Chappelle: “I’m rich, but I’m not ‘buy the Lakers’ rich. I’m ‘buy a really nice house in Ohio’ rich.”
39. Bill Burr: “I’m convinced that the only reason people get married is to have someone to blame for everything that goes wrong.”
40. Robin Williams: “I’m so old that when I was a kid rainbows were black and white.”
41. Amy Schumer: “I’m not a good cook. I know how to make one thing: reservations.”
42. Russell Peters: “Being Indian, you get used to spicy food. It’s like having a built-in smoke alarm in your mouth.”
43. Ellen DeGeneres: “I don’t have pet peeves. I have whole kennels of irritation.”
44. Drew Carey: “I always thought the idea of a soul mate was stupid until I met my wife. Now I realize it’s just someone who can put up with your crap for an extended period of time.”
45. Gabriel Iglesias: “I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”
46. Ronny Chieng: “I’m from Malaysia, where the weather is so hot, even the mosquitos complain about the heat.”
47. Ali Wong: “I want to be like a fine wine. I get better with age…and if I get corked, shoot me.”
48. Hasan Minhaj: “My parents immigrated to America so I could have a better life. They didn’t realize how expensive therapy would be.”
49. Jo Koy: “I’m so Filipino, I can make a meal out of rice and water. It’s called ‘sinigang na tubig’.”
50. Jimmy Carr: “I’ve got a theory that self-deprecation is the secret to long-term success. That, and massive amounts of insecurity.”
51. Kevin Hart: “I’m convinced that my dog is smarter than me. He just pretends not to understand English so he doesn’t have to do anything I tell him.”
52. Jerry Seinfeld: “Why does moisture destroy leather? But then water makes leather supple?”
53. Chris Rock: “I’m not saying I’m lazy, but I’m watching a marathon on TV.”
54. Sarah Silverman: “I want to get Botox, but I’m afraid it’ll make me look like a younger version of myself, and I hate that bitch.”
55. Ricky Gervais: “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I’ve finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
56. George Carlin: “The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
57. John Mulaney: “I wish I was a dog, because all they do is eat, sleep, and poop. And they get belly rubs!”
58. Aziz Ansari: “My dating life is like an iPhone – constantly searching for a signal.”
59. Tina Fey: “I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.”
60. Steve Martin: “Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.”
61. Rodney Dangerfield: “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
62. Joan Rivers: “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
63. Phyllis Diller: “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
64. Henny Youngman: “Take my wife… please!”
65. Richard Pryor: “When I was young, I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I’m old, I know it is.”
66. Wanda Sykes: “I’m not afraid of heights, have you seen my shoes?”
67. Louis C.K.: “Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.”
68. Dave Attell: “My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.”
69. Kathy Griffin: “Hollywood is like high school with money.”
70. Bill Hicks: “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”
71. Zach Galifianakis: “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
72. Maria Bamford: “I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.”
73. Chelsea Handler: “I’m not good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
74. Lewis Black: “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”
75. Jim Jefferies: “I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem.”
76. Tig Notaro: “I’m a lesbian, but I’m not like the lesbians you’re thinking of. I’m a really cool lesbian.”
77. Mike Birbiglia: “I don’t have any children, but I do have a dog. And I think he’s smarter than a baby. He doesn’t poop in the bath.”
78. Demetri Martin: “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
79. Sarah Millican: “I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best before End’. Well, that’s not very helpful.”
80. Jack Dee: “My dad said, ‘Always fight fire with fire,’ which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”
81. Eddie Izzard: “The French revolution wasn’t very successful, was it? All they did was switch from croissants to baguettes.”
82. Dylan Moran: “I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.”
83. Mindy Kaling: “Sometimes when I’m alone, I Google myself. It’s like a little pick-me-up.”
84. Kristen Wiig: “I’m really good at pretending to know what I’m doing.”
85. Iliza Shlesinger: “If we’re not supposed to eat late at night, why is there a light in the fridge?”
86. Amy Poehler: “I’m not a crazy cat lady. I just prefer cats over people.”
87. Maya Rudolph: “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
88. Jane Lynch: “I’m not saying I’m lazy, but I’m currently on a diet where I only eat food that’s already been chewed.”
89. Leslie Jones: “I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of falling.”
90. Chelsea Peretti: “I’m not sure what’s tighter, my jeans or my relationship with my phone.”
91. Nikki Glaser: “I’m not a morning person. I’m barely a person.”
92. Aisha Tyler: “I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I’ve never been wrong…about being right.”
93. Ali Wong: “I’m at the age where my back goes out more than I do.”
94. Wanda Sykes: “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
95. Ellen DeGeneres: “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
96. Billy Crystal: “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
97. Carrot Top: “I’m not saying I’m lazy, but I’m watching a marathon on TV.”
98. Jerry Lewis: “I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.”
99. Whoopi Goldberg: “Normal is just a setting on a dryer.”
100. Rodney Dangerfield: “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

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