Did you know that in the US, the average length of a marriage before divorce is 8 years? That’s a lot of time to accumulate shared jokes…and potentially, some assets to split. But fear not, because these divorce lawyer puns are here to add a little levity to the situation.
Whether you’re going through a divorce, know someone who is, or just appreciate a good legal pun, get ready to laugh your way through this collection of witty one-liners and clever wordplay. Who knows,a good chuckle might just be the best legal advice you receive today!
Table of the Best Divorce Lawyer Puns
Uncontested Hilarity
Even an uncontested divorce can still be a bit taxing, but these puns are here to offer some relief. Laugh along with these gems, specially crafted for the occasion.
- Why did the divorce lawyer cross the road? To get to the other ex!
- Marriage counselors are always trying to patch things up, but divorce lawyers make a killing.
- When couples find themselves in hot water, divorce lawyers help them steam off.
- Divorce lawyers love filing, especially if it’s not one of their nails.
- The divorce lawyer said the marriage was “licensed” to make them rich.
- Divorce lawyers are always making “splits’ decisions.
- When a couple splits, divorce lawyers get a “piece” of the action.
- It’s a funny equation: Divorce lawyers = happiness divided by two.
- Why didn’t the divorce lawyer take the stairs? Because they always look for an easy ‘split’.
- When couples argue, divorce lawyers think, “More ‘bill’ for me!”
Half the Fun
Breaking up is never easy, but laughing about it can make it more bearable. These puns carry half the fun of a full pun, with all the joy of a hearty laugh.
- When contemplating a split, always remember: Ex-marks the spot.
- Divorce lawyers take “irreconcilable” as a billable word.
- Why are divorce lawyers successful? Because they break even in every case.
- It’s sad, but true: For better or verse, divorce lawyers profit.
- Split up? Divorce lawyers help you ‘cut’ your losses.
- Divorcing a spontaneous spouse? Best let a lawyer make the “separation anxiety” zero.
- Every divorce lawyer’s favorite breakup line? “This one’s on the house!”
- Divorced and broke? Sounds like you need a strong case and a stronger lawyer.
- Divorce lawyers live by the credo: “Absence makes the bill grow longer.”
- Why do divorce lawyers love their job? They always get the last ‘laughs’.
Bill of Rights… or Wrongs?
Divorce lawyers are great with bills—both sending them and making jokes about them. These puns will leave you in stitches!
- Divorce lawyers’ favorite dance? The ‘two prance separation’.
- Looking for a pro at asset division? There’s no ‘split’ decision here.
- Divorce lawyers don’t go to therapy; they charge twice as much instead.
- Why do divorce lawyers never play poker? They always show their bills.
- First thing a divorce lawyer does in the morning? They make a ‘brief’ appearance.
- Why are divorce proceedings so emotionally charged? High bill rates!
- When clients complain, divorce lawyers just say, “Take it up with bill.”
- Divorce lawyers have a special bond: legally binding and financially rewarding.
- If you want to make peace with your ex, avoid a divorce lawyer. They’ll make a ‘case’ about it.
- Divorce lawyers’ favorite snack? Fee-nuts.
Grounds for Laughter
Even amid turmoil, there’s always a reason to laugh. These puns will have you grinning, making even the toughest situations a bit lighter.
- Divorce lawyers have mastered the art of ‘relationship gymnastics’.
- How do divorce lawyers settle arguments? They ‘take note’ of every billable moment.
- Not all relationships end equally. That’s where lawyers draw the ‘line’.
- Divorce lawyers have two speeds: filing and billing.
- What’s a divorce lawyer’s favorite book? “Gone with the Ex”.
- Lawyers don’t take cases lightly; their scales are always ‘balanced’.
- No honeymoon phase for a divorce lawyer; they go straight to bill phase.
- If layers were paid by the joke, divorce lawyers would be comedian millionaires.
- Laughter might be the best medicine, but for divorce lawyers, billing is the cure.
- Why are lawyers so brave? They face the ‘ex’ factor every day.
Settlement Humor
Settlements are tricky, but the puns they inspire are pure gold. Let’s dive into these final chuckles that close out our list with a hearty laugh.
- Why did the baker divorce his wife? He couldn’t handle her ‘kneadiness’.
- Divorce lawyers never split hairs, but they make great ‘part-ners’.
- Sometimes a split provides more dough… just ask a divorce lawyer.
- Why do comedians love divorce lawyers? They always get the ‘final word’.
- “Let’s settle this amicably,” said no divorce lawyer ever.
- What’s a divorce lawyer’s theme song? “Split Happens”.
- Divorcing amicably? Prepare to get billed by surprise.
- Lawyers love ‘splitting hairs’, especially when it’s for a good cause.
- Divorce lawyers are ‘trust fund’ babies; your trust, their fund.
- Why do lawyers have all the luck? Because fortune ‘favors the case’.
More Divorce Puns & Jokes
- Why did the toxic relationship end in divorce? Because one of them finally realized their worth and the other couldn’t handle the glow-up.
- Why did the golfer get a divorce? Because his wife said, “Talk FOREplay to me.”
- Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it.
- What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.
- Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
- What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day? “Happy Independence Day!”
- I’m not saying I’m lazy, but I’m currently on my third marriage, and I’m still using the same wedding vows.
- What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
- I wanted to change my Facebook relationship status to “single,” but it wouldn’t let me because it said I’m already married.
- Why did the divorce lawyer quit his job? Because he realized he was just breaking up families.
- I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with. She said, “Yes, the rest of them were nines and tens.”
- Divorce is the one time you actually get to split the bill.
- Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
- What’s the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? About 45 minutes.
- Why did the wife divorce the gym instructor? Because he was always flexing!
Laugh your way to a lighter heart
Divorce can be a heavy topic, but it doesn’t always have to be. We hope these divorce lawyer puns brought some joy and light into your day. Don’t forget to share this article with friends and family or bookmark it for a rainy day. Let laughter be the best medicine, and let these jokes be your prescription.
